AND TODAY'S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO . . . . . . .

     A 21-year-old Vallejo, CA, man who made a $100 bet with his friends that he could fit into a baby swing at a local park. So he lubed himself up with liquid laundry detergent and slipped into the kiddie swing's leg holes, but he got stuck, his legs swelled and he couldn't get out. To make matters worse, his friends abandoned him. Nine hours later, a groundskeeper heard him screaming for help at 6 a.m. the next morning. Vallejo firefighters tried to free him, but ultimately took him to a hospital –- still in the swing. Somebody owes him $100.AND THEN THERE'S ......

    A 38 year-old German woman, who presented a bracelet to have it cleaned at a jewelry store and then grabbed a tray filled with $14,000 worth of gold and silver jewelry from a glass case on her way out. Well, she didn't get very far. Remember that bracelet she had brought in for cleaning? She gave the clerk her correct name and address when she handed it to her.

 

OR HOW 'BOUT .....

    A Maryland drug dealer, who had been eluding the law for weeks, that was until he updated his Facebook profile. The fugitive posted a photograph of himself wearing what one officer described as a "very distinctive" purple and teal shirt. A few hours later, photo of the suspect in hand, officers spotted the man on the street. An arresting officer said, "He knew we were looking for him. But he couldn't help himself from updating Facebook."

   
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY . . . .

Other countries use surveillance cameras to monitor dangerous individuals. In the USA, we use televised debates.

STUPID JOKE OF THE DAY.........

     A man goes out and buys the best car available. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
     The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
     The guy replies "The best on the market. It cost $500,000."
     "That's a lot of money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
     "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the man proudly.
     The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
     "Sure," replies the owner.
     So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
     Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer.
     Woosh! Something whips by him, going maybe three times as fast! The guy wonders what on earth could be going faster than his car. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
     Whoosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "It couldn't be," thinks the man. But again, he sees the dot coming towards him.
     Whoosh-BAM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are in bad shape.
     The guy runs up to the old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
     The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror of your car!"

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY . . . .

    Knowledge is power ... But power corrupts ... And corruption is a crime ... And crime doesn't pay ... So if you keep on studying you'll go broke.

AND TODAY'S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO . . . . . . .

 Elizabeth Tato, 46, who was inside a strip-mall casino while her car was being repossessed with her 11-year-old son in it. Security at the casino said Tato had been gaming for an hour before she noticed her car was missing. When she called authorities to say it was stolen, she learned that it had been repossessed instead. The tow-truck driver didn't know there was a child inside until later. Tato was arrested on a charge of child neglect.

 
OR HOW 'BOUT .....

    Marian Brioso, 46, a retired NYPD detective who forgot she put her .25-caliber handgun in her 6-year-old daughter's book bag and sent her off to school. When the six-year-old got to school she opened up her bag and took it out. Luckily a teacher came over, confiscated the gun and called police. No one was hurt in the incident. Brioso said she was planning to remove it, but forgot.

STUPID JOKE OF THE DAY......

    A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved three year old grandson. It's obvious to her that Grandpa has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle and other similar aisles. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long .... easy boy."
    Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay Albert just a couple more minutes and we will be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
    At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Gramps again in a controlled voice says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We will be home in five minutes, stay cool, Albert."
    Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. You know sir, it's none of my business but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay ...... "Albert is very lucky to have you as his Grandpa."
    "Thanks lady said Gramps, but actually I'm Albert ..... the little brat's name is Steve."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY . . . .

    Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

AND TODAY'S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO . . . . . . .

    France's industry minister, Eric Besson, who thought he was sending a flirtatious private message to his wife, but ended up sending it to his 15,000 Twitter followers. Besson sent, "When I get home I'm going to bed. Really tired. With you?" and then hit the send button. Realizing his mistake, Besson quickly deleted the message, but not before it had been retweeted around the web, with much commentary.

OKAY, ONE MORE .....

    Judy Weible, 61, who made several wrong number calls to a police officer, asking if he wanted to buy her pain killers? The officer tried to ignore the woman, but she just wouldn't stop calling. She then started sending texts to the officer, and that's when investigators arranged to meet Weible. As you can imagine, she was surprised to find the person on the other end of the phone was a cop. She was arrested with 30 hydrocodone pills.

STUPID JOKE OF THE DAY:

 On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you stupid cow."
    The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets all about the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and squarks, "And get me another whisky you airhead."
    Quite upset, the poor girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it now you stupid idiot."
    Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
    As they plunge downwards, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've sure got an attitude."

OKAY, ONE MORE .....

    A Dallas area man, who is accused of striking a woman twice ... with a frozen armadillo. The man and a 57-year-old woman began arguing about the price of the animal. The woman wanted to cook and eat the armadillo, but the man grew angry and threw the armadillo at the woman twice injuring her.

AND TODAY'S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO . . . . . . .

    Erica Denise Phillips, 28, who helped steal an $800 cash register from a bagel shop, but ended up only 25 cents richer. That's right, all that was in the register at the time of the theft was one quarter. Phillips would've scored bigger if only she had shoplifted one item from a Dollar Store.

AND THEN THERE'S .....

    Dale Foughty, 56, who thought his Spiderman mask would aid in his sword-wielding powers while he robbed a convenience store. It didn't; a clerk pulled out a broom and poked the would-be Spiderman in the stomach, while a second clerk joined in the struggle. The suspect lost his mask and part of his ponytail was ripped out before he fled. Sheriff's deputies found him at a nearby home.

AND TODAY'S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO . . . . . . .

    A group of 10 guys who thought it would be cool to destroy a hotel room and then tweet about it. Police had no problem identifying the guys and arresting them. But, the tweets didn't stop after their arrests; one of them tweeted about having a warrant out for his arrest and going to jail, while others tweeted their mugshots. Police say the group of about 10 guys caused nearly $14,000 in damage to the West Virginia hotel.


OR, HOW 'BOUT .....

    Charlotte-Mecklenburg School leaders, who admitted they dropped the ball when 11 students including the class valedictorian learned too late that they didn't have enough credits to graduate. One principal has resigned and now the valedictorian is in summer school trying to complete her credits. The Executive Director for Support Services, who oversees all school guidance counselors said, "What should have happened did not happen. This was an unfortunate incident for every student that was involved. This is not the way we want to do business in CMS."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY . . . .

If a dictator falls in a nation without oil, does anyone hear about it?

STUPID JOKE OF THE DAY...

     An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
     "What'll you have?" he asked.
     "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
     So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
     His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
     "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"